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A Muslim converts journey to conversion and life since.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Still struggling with hijab

Salam Alykum all,

So I've been reading my english translation of the Quran that was given to me. They all say to cover our heads and our chests. Even the one with notes, the author says so. I have given myself a time table to adjust to wearing hijab.
This is my journey to paradise, I can't just throw a piece of cloth on my head and say, YAY!!! I'm Muslim now!! Look at me, wooo!!! Yea, not happening. Not me at all.

Number 1, I HAVE to pray about it, because I sometimes get super depressed/anxious/sad wearing it. It feels like I've got this measuring tape or yard stick around me at all times and I have to live up to some double standard given by no one but myself and the stupid western media who caves to those jackwads who give Islam a bad name and spread hate towards us.

Numero 2, You are Islam. Once you put that piece of cloth on your head, you are ISLAM. You may not think so, but you are.. Dawah is your name, and Islam is your game!! Get on it sister!! Answer questions that people have to ask you!! Yalla!!
Uhm, seriously, my iman is not that strong yet. So not ready to be the Jennifer-hudson-weight-watchers [no infringement] endorser. Hi! My name is Penelope-Islam-dawah cheerleader! WOOOO! Yea, not yet, I've still a ton to learn and isA when it is time I will bust out my hijab, strut out of the house and OWN IT!! I WILL OWN MY ISLAM AND MY HIJAB!!!!
ISA!!! :D

Number 3/ thalatha... Clothes. I have some tight clothes, for example: hot pants/skinny jeans. I like them, I know I should not wear them, but I do. I paid money for them, darn it! I only own two pair, but I refuse to get rid of them now. When I have money, isA, I will do some shopping for clothes that are looser. a delicate balance, huh?

Number 4/ arba’a.. Judgmental brothers and sisters... yea, we all know them.. thinking they are perfect, trying to school us on Islam and thinking they are correct. Not saying that telling a brother or sister something polite is wrong, but sometimes.. you really should step back. Maybe that person just entered Islam [such as myself! I'm not even 1yrs old yet!!!] or maybe they are just getting back into Islam because they left.. due to judgement or feeling rejected by the community.
Remember, Allah is the only judge in this life.
What someones hijab looks like, whether it is black, blue, green, multicolour, is not really your business. There is A LOT of cultural mumbojumbo stuck like a sticker on the term hijab... Saudi's wear it black, niqab included, Turkish ladies wear patterns and colour.
My hiajb is me. My personality. When I do wear it, it is saying something about me. About my love for Allah, for Islam, it is my art, my ability to show the beauty of Islam and that woman are not oppressed humans. Also, don't judge a sister for the way she wears it, especially when they are trying and figuring out how to make it fit and be comfortable for them,
 Oh and boys... don't think for ONE SECOND that I have FORGOTTEN YOU!!! OOOOOH buddy!! Here we go!! Brothers/men/boys, etc.. Remember your hijab too!!! You may not wear a cloth on your head, but dang it! YOU are just as responsible of being the dawah-cheerleader-man-person as a woman in hijab is!! Grow out your beard a little, wear a kufi, do some dawah. If anything, grow your beard out, wear a kufi around town on a Saturday, and see what it is like! I sometimes think you boys have it so easy, you shave your beard, not wearing a kufi or similar Islamic style clothing, and you sort of blend in [imho]... Also, you have a hijab.. it is hijab of the eyes... LOWER YOUR GAZE!! and staring at a sister... come on, seriously?! Explain that one to Allah... "Yes Allah, i looked at her for 5 minutes. Subhan Allah she was so pretty, but I promise I wasn't gazing, I thought maybe she would look at me and look away, and you know.. maybe i could see if she wasn't engaged.." [not trying to be rude, I am just trying to give an example, please do not take offense, if there is a better way, than please comment.] Allah will be the judge, but prolonging your "look/gaze" isn't exactly healthy.
I have a huge habit of seeing a brother and looking away because I do not want him to be uncomfortable.
 It should not just fall on me though, it is your responsibility to be just as humble and use your hijab.

Number 5/ I'm just not there yet.. Yes, I am not there yet. I dabble in hijab a couple of times a week, but loose or not at all during class. When I am at work, I wear it, but than again, religious studies is a pretty laid back department... It IS a more TOLERABLE work place. alhumdililliah! Again, *sigh* it is hard.
 May Allah ease this jihad on my head and my heart about hijab. Ameen.
 So isA I will be able to wear it soon. I hope to at least gain more strength to wear it, but also. This is my Islam. I cannot listen to those who want to tell me how to wear it, or that I am doing it wrong, which I don't. This is my Islam, this is MY hijab, this is my story, my journey to paradise.

 Salam for now,
Penelope

 May Allah bless us everyday, in every way! Ameen

4 comments:

  1. you will wear the hijab all the time when the time is right, the main thing is you appear to be on the right path, a good thing!i wear mine now and again like you, i am a white british convert and the first time i wore it i suddenly realised that i was saying to white men, "i am not available anymore to you", i was waiting for comments but i had none which was good, it felt very strange to think this thought but i want people to know i follow islam, as you do, your strength will grow as it should so dont worry.

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    1. Thank you for making a comment, I appreciate it greatly!! Your words are very encouraging, m'A!! :) Alhumdilliah!

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  2. I recommend reading more about Hijab from a feminist reformist perspective. Hijab is not the literal covering of the head. Read Amina Wadud, Nimat Berazenji, Asma Balrus, Mohammad Shahrour, Ahmad Al Khemlishi for reference. May Allah light your path towards His acceptance and contentment SWT. Good luck!

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    1. Actually the term hijab is not in the Quran, but it is the same meaning. I believe that it is required, that is my Islam, I am not conforming, but feel like it is something I have to do for Allah and in baby steps. Allah knows my intentions. Thanks for posting!

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